retrospect.

During my senior year of high school, our Civics teacher Mr. G prompted us to write letters to ourselves and then set them to be delivered to whatever address we provided years later. I took this prompt incredibly seriously. At the time, I didn’t know if I’d live much longer after seventeen and figured whether I was there to receive it or not, I might as well leave a mark and express what was going on in my world at the time. Many most likely didn’t receive their letters as they traveled hours away to college, but I did. I didn’t even remotely realize the great impact that this would have on my life. Looking back at that tear stained letter, there are many things that I wish I had kept close to my heart and implemented into my life. There were many moments throughout the years that I looked at that letter and grimaced, laughed, and writhed in pain and agony. Fortunately, and unfortunately, hindsight can be a double-edged sword; you love the truth, but at times it cuts so deep that you once believed a lie. In either way, God is glorified. Here’s some (hopefully solicited) advice that I’d give to any young people if they care to read it in no particular order.

Number one: “‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”—Matthew 22:39B. In the beginning of my letter, I used some choice words when referring to some of my fellow peers that didn’t look or act like me. In 2016, we were living in another very pivotal time in the United States where there was a political divide so great that it caused a rift in our society on all fronts. At this time, I was part of the G.S.A club at school, had a victim mindset believing that the world was against me and every person that didn’t agree with my stance was a racist bigot, believed society was stuck in the past and I was some deep girl with a side shave who smoked cigarettes “in a poetic way”. This socio-political stance didn’t stem from what I actually believed, I was indoctrinated by social media, entertainment, and the friend group I was interacting with.

I claimed to be a Christian and hated people. Deeply. I would skip class just to avoid certain classmates and blow up on others (embarrassingly enough, once the whole cafeteria went silent as I berated this poor guy and then stormed off). I wished the absolute worst for them. This hatred for others that didn’t agree with me reflected who my true father was at the time and he wasn’t in heaven; he is the prince of this world. Without love for others, save yourself the trouble and just say you believe in one God (“You do well. Even demons believe—and tremble!”—James 2:19). Many Christians get Biblical love and tolerance/compliance completely mixed up and that is not at all what I am talking about. Let’s break down what love is Biblically: “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”—1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Number two: “One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; Therefore, do not associate with a gossip.”—Proverbs 20:19. Stay. Away. From. Gossipers. In fact, run for the HILLS! I already wrote a devotional dedicated to the topic, so I’ll just share a story about a girl that I used to associate myself with. Not that she’ll ever read this, but for the sake of anonymity, I’ll refer to her as Kay. Kay was one of those girls everyone wanted to be friends with; she was charismatic, stylish, and lived in a sweet house with all the newest tech (this was around the time that the Xbox One Kinect just dropped, if you know, you know). The only downside to being her friend is that anything you told her would be taken and shared with another sect of the friend group and terribly overdramatized. I mean soap opera type shenanigans. A few times, she told stories so ridiculous and egregious that we didn’t know whether it was the truth or a lie and usually, it was a bit of both. She was a bone collector. She played the role of a sort of ringleader, making sure that all loyalty belonged to her by pitting others against one another. You hated her one week and then she pulled you right back where she wanted you; under her thumb. Eventually, the drama became too much even for an immature teenager and most ended up jumping ship. My advice? Don’t ever waste your time hanging out with someone that tells you everyone else’s business and smile—YOU’RE NEXT!

Number three: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”—Psalm 30:5B. Not to be grim, but to quote my letter to myself: “Remember when you almost offed yourself junior year? Not cute…anyway—” As I read this, I laugh just to know that in reference to an attempt to take my own life, I replied, “Not cute.” Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings even when it doesn’t feel temporary. Pain is very real. Feelings are valid, but they aren’t facts. Feelings are subjective, which means that they are subject to change. Back then, the chains were palpable and demons were whispering into my ears. I know how it sounds and yes you read it right. The spiritual world is more real than flesh. I could identify new thoughts and voices that didn’t belong to me telling me dark things about my future and hammering me about my shameful past and present until they just became melded into my personality. Extreme anxiety and depression aren’t God’s best for your life. Even though I suffered greatly, the grace of God kept me and will keep you through the worst times of your life whether you realize it or not.

We are sent into this world with a wonderful plan for our lives. Whoever we are. Matter of fact, even before we were born, we were winners; the first sperm to reach the egg out of MILLIONS! Hello?! If you haven’t won anything, you’ve won that race. It is the devil’s goal to drown your mind with feelings of inadequacy and failure until the point of self-destruction because although he may not know what the plan is, he knows that God has a plan for you—yes you. In times where it feels like the pain is never going to end, you can find solace in the One that promises in His Word to comfort you (Psalm 34:18, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28, Philippians 4:6-7, Revelation 21:4, Psalms 30:11, Isaiah 26:3, and MORE). It really, really works. I used to think that Christianity was too simple and that the world was more open ended and more intelligently nuanced, that my questions couldn’t possibly be answered by a religion. The only thing I got right was that religion never got me anywhere. The identity marker of being a “cultural Christian” compared nothing to the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. If you’ve tried everything else and nothing has seemed to work, what is there to lose by giving God a chance?

Number four: “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” If you can imagine a 1930’s cartoon where one character is trying to attack the other waiting patiently behind a wall until his unsuspecting rival walks straight into his vicinity and then WHAM! A starry-eyed character is dazed and confused with birds flying around its head and its enemy laughs jauntily at its demise. That’s the devil and his demons steadily plotting on your life to overtake it. Without the knowledge of God, it is impossible not to get lost in the sauce. I fell deeply and passionately for temporary gratification, attention from men, approval, and getting “white boy” wasted. Destruction was something desirable to me and I sought it out in others. I didn’t wake up and say, “Hey, I think I’m gonna dress like a hussy and go to the club and get wasted today!” although that did come in time, it was a gradual progression. If you are not mindful of God, following Him and heeding His Word, in the blink of an eye you will become someone that you never imagined you’d be and by the time you wake up, it might just be too late. The devil sings you a sickeningly saccharine melody and will gag you with every note. The Bible isn’t flippantly written. When it says devour (to eat up greedily or ravenously, to use up or destroy as if by eating, to prey upon) it means devour. The devil’s will is to overtake you.

And last, but not least number five: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”—Proverbs 3:5-6. I am learning this currently. « Tournez ton cœur à Dieu. » (“Turn your heart to God.”); one of the things I remember my late grandpa saying to me that I wrote down. Although he didn’t know me well, he knew that my spiritual life was in shambles and his words stuck with me throughout the years. Needless to say, it wasn’t until years later that I heeded them. At that time, I was my own ‘god’, on the brink of coming into agreement with the Gnostic school of thought, an occultist, hooked on whatever got me out of my mind, and vainly solipsistic. Had I simply heeded those words…I believe that God will use everything for His glory period, but oh the deep gashes I could’ve avoided.

If I were speaking to any young person, I’d tell them that giving your life to Jesus and running after Him is the only true worth in this life. Chasing money might get you money, but it takes one moment for the money to disappear. It doesn’t fulfill the emptiness in your soul and doesn’t last forever. It creates such a want in you—enough will never be enough. Chasing men/women can temporarily satisfy you, but they won’t revive your spirit, and heartbreak is deeply crushing to the soul. Drugs take of you more than they can give you and at a point you become a slave to them even when you feel like you’re in control. “Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “All is vanity.”—Ecclesiastes 12:8.

Many think that following Christ comes with a set of rules that you have to follow, however a great illustration of what it is to follow the Word of God can be found in Matthew 23:37B: “How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” Look up what it looks like for a hen to guard her chicks. She is willing to fight off predators even five times her size! The closer we follow Jesus, the more He will show us about the realities of this world. Many times, it is not at all what we can see with the naked eye. “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rules of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”—Ephesians 6:12. Don’t live in the past, learn from the past and pray that God continues to guide you towards a sound future. With Him by your side, the future is so bright! I leave you with 1 Corinthians 2:9: “But it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”